Chapter Text
Chanhee was ignoring him.
Cold shoulder, not a word, the whole nine yards of ignoring someone - and Chanhee was good at it. The first week back at school Younghoon didn't think too much of it. Having spent a whole month together, Chanhee was obviously entitled to spending time away from Younghoon. But it wasn't just that, Chanhee wasn't just hanging out with Changmin more often, he was actively going out of his way to turn corners whenever Younghoon came down the hallway. Purposely spent less time in the dorm.
By the second week, Younghoon was sick of it.
He hated that he couldn't look at Chanhee without being ignored, without feeling guilty for doing something he shouldn't have. Neither of them spoke of that last night in Chanhee's bedroom - not a word was even thought, let alone a conversation - and it was even harder to get a simple ‘hello’ out of Chanhee. Younghoon just wanted to talk to Chanhee again, about anything. But instead it was like their first semester all over again where the pair of teenagers refused to acknowledge each other, refused to accept that the other was a real living breathing person.
“Stop staring. It's getting creepy.” Juyeon lightly jabbed Younghoon.
They were standing around the bunsen burners in one of the science classrooms, sticking matches into the blue flame with Eric and Hyunjae. Unknowingly, Younghoon had been staring over at Chanhee on the other side of the room the entire forty minutes. He hadn't noticed because it was just so natural for him to look. He'd gotten so used to being able to freely watch Chanhee and everything he did, and now it was this forbidden act.
“What did you even do anyway?” Eric asked. “How do you go from spending the summer together to complete radio silence?”
“Must've really f*cked up this time.” Hyunjae added.
“I didn't do anything.”
The three of them gave him unconvinced looks, questioning glances over to Chanhee's group around their own bunsen burner.
“Seriously, I don't know. He's just not talking to me.” Younghoon tried to defend himself.
“Maybe he's bipolar-” Eric was cut off by Hyunjae purposely stepping on his foot.
Younghoon didn't get it. Everyone had always told him growing up about how smart he was, how well he was doing in school, what a nice smart boy he was. But evidently he couldn't have been that smart, not if he couldn't understand Chanhee. He couldn't be that smart if he was missing the big picture.
What did he do wrong? That's what kept Younghoon up at night. Really, he knew it was the kiss. He shouldn't have kissed Chanhee, shouldn't have found his way to Chanhee's room in the middle of the night. And Chanhee kissed back. Did that not mean something? Hadn't Younghoon done the right thing when he'd stopped the second Chanhee asked him to. He hadn't pushed. He'd stayed that night only because Chanhee asked.
Younghoon didn't understand why Chanhee asked him to stay but now pushed him so far away.
“You've got to talk to him at some point, Hoon.”
“Me? You don't think I've tried? It's hard to get a word in when he's never in the same room.”
“It can't keep going on like this though,” Hyunjae let out a small yelp as his fingers slightly touched the flame. “You can't let go of Chanhee that easily.”
Younghoon didn't think Chanhee was his to keep hold of in the first place.
By the end of September Younghoon had convinced himself to let go of Chanhee completely. To forget August, to ignore the friendship they'd built up in their first school term together. He stopped saying good morning when they had to briefly pass each other in the dorm. He stopped trying to sit next to Chanhee in the dining hall. Younghoon stopped mentioning the whole issue to his friends, and stopped asking Kevin if Chanhee was ever going to look his way again.
He forced the memory of their kiss to go away. Shoved it down into this deep corner of his mind, his soul really. He couldn't forget it, no matter how hard he tried to, because every night it would repeat. He'd get this sick feeling in his stomach every time he tried to sleep when he remembered what Chanhee had said - what he'd sounded like, what he'd looked like, everything about the kiss. Younghoon couldn't erase the kiss from his mind, but he could ignore it.
In a way, it haunted him. Chanhee's silence now, in the halls and in the classrooms, was deafening.
Sangyeon had said he was depressed. Younghoon ignored this, he wasn't depressed. Yeah, he hadn't picked up either of his two cameras for almost three weeks. He'd lost all his interest in filming his video diaries - Chanhee had been in all the ones from August, a few from July too, and Younghoon couldn't bring himself to watch those anymore - and didn't even listen to his MP3 player anymore. Sure, Sangyeon had claimed Younghoon was depressed after finding him skipping lessons, and refusing to go on outings into town. But none of that meant anything. Younghoon was fine, he was getting over it. There was absolutely nothing wrong with how Younghoon was acting. He didn't care at all, he was forgetting it all as each day went on. Younghoon was dealing with Chanhee so well actually.
He missed Chanhee.
Missed him more than he thought was possible. Younghoon missed the presence Chanhee had in his life. Missed the space Chanhee used to fill. How was it he felt so disconnected to someone that lived in the same room as him? Just there, on the other side of the room, in the opposite bed. And Younghoon could do nothing about it.
———
It got worse in October. When Haknyeon stopped going to lessons, when he stopped talking to anyone. When he locked himself in his dorm for a week straight, and Sunwoo would either sleep on the floor of Sangyeon's room or on one of the couches in the common room.
Haknyeon had been quiet all year. They'd all noticed it, they'd all tried to engage with him more. Extra food snuck up to the dorms, more invites out on the weekend. It was only Sunwoo who'd managed to get anything out of Haknyeon - he admitted to knowing what was going on, but he refused to tell anyone - so they all knew how bad it was when Haknyeon pushed his best friend away too.
“He's hurt himself.” Sunwoo whispered.
Younghoon found Sunwoo slumped in the dormitory hallway, his back pressed to the door of his room. Everyone else was out, it was the weekend and half the boys had been saving up for a football match and train tickets to the nearest city. Younghoon had spent the night in town, visiting book stores and trying to keep himself distracted. He'd come back to the school to his teachers awake, headmaster Lee pacing in the foyer. He'd come back to Sunwoo's tear streamed eyes.
“They've taken him to the hospital.” Sunwoo didn't need to say Haknyeon's name for Younghoon to know. “They wouldn't let me go with him.”
He wrapped his arm around Sunwoo, pulling him in close when he sat down against the door too. Let his friend cry into the fabric of his shirt. Younghoon didn't know what to say. Saying anything probably wouldn't help, wouldn't make Sunwoo feel any better.
“He's been- Sick. For a while. And I knew, and I didn't tell anyone. I should've told someone.” Sunwoo's voice was frantic.
“It wasn't your fault.”
“I should've told Sangyeon. Anyone. I could've called his mother, any time I could've called and I didn't. I let him get worse.”
Younghoon hushed Sunwoo, quietly, as kindly as he could.
“Did they- Have they called his mother?”
“She's on a flight now. She… She called me. I didn't pick up. I didn't know what to say.”
Jacob came back first, Kevin drunk and flailing around him, and Jacob dealt with it better. Kevin sobered up in record time. When Sangyeon returned home - bringing with him the rest of their friends - he screamed at his father, questioning why they hadn't been called, why they weren't told to come back an hour ago. A few of the younger years snuck up the stairs to listen in. Younghoon had to hold himself back from punching that second year again when he made a comment about the ambulance siren.
Chanhee cried too. A lot of them did, Younghoon didn't think any of them didn't. No amount of ‘he's okay, he'll be okay’ felt like the right thing to say. Chanhee let Younghoon hold him for a while. Neither of them spoke to each other. Neither made eye contact, or even acknowledged the other's presence. He focused on the feeling of Chanhee being so close to him, even though he knew the younger teenager focused only on the rough hallway carpet.
Haknyeon didn't come back to Huimang. He got better though, he stayed in the hospital for a while but even he admitted it was the best place for him. They all called him frequently, they all sent him letters and packages once he'd gone home to Jeju.
Sunwoo moved into Sangyeon's dorm for the rest of the year.
———
It was probably the first night in a while that Younghoon slept. At least, he slept for more than only a few hours. He'd gotten used to that permanent tired feeling, got used to having to force his eyes to stay open in class.
It was an unwelcome feeling when he woke up. Too early, it was still pitch black in the room, and he didn't need to wake up for any lessons in the morning. He groaned, annoyed, and turned over to go back to sleep. Younghoon wanted to drift off, but he couldn't push away the feeling of a hand on his arm.
What? That was new. It wasn't his hand, he stretched out his fingers in a sort of test, to make sure he hadn't slept on it awkwardly cutting off blood flow and feeling. It wasn't his hand, it was someone else's. Someone else was crawling into his bed. He felt the mattress dip with added weight. Felt the warmth of breath against the back of his neck as an arm snaked its way around him.
“Chanie?” He asked, quiet, while slowly blinking his eyes open.
Younghoon had to turn his neck to peer at Chanhee who pressed his forehead against Younghoon's back. Really, the most Younghoon could see was the mess of black hair.
“Chanhee.” Younghoon tried again.
He must've been drunk. It was Halloween, all his friends had been drinking - each of them at varying levels of sobriety when Younghoon headed off to bed. He hadn't checked to see how wasted Chanhee had become, he was still in that phase of trying not to care for him. The only answer to this was that Chanhee was drunk, and he'd slipped into the wrong bed by accident. That he didn't know who he was climbing into bed besides. Younghoon tried to ignore the feeling of Chanhee's warm skin through his t-shirt.
Younghoon twisted his body around. Back on the bed, facing up to the ceiling. The movement pushed Chanhee away slightly, but within seconds the other boy had repositioned himself to cling to Younghoon's chest. Arms around his ribs, soft hair under his clavicle. Chanhee was right there.
“C'mon,” Younghoon made an attempt to lift Chanhee slightly, aiming to take him back to his own bed. “You can't sleep here.”
“Don't.” Chanhee pressed his full weight onto the bed making it impossible for Younghoon to move him.
When Younghoon gave up - it didn't take long at all - Chanhee pushed himself forward and up, sitting mostly with his elbows. He stared at Younghoon, making eye contact with him for the first time in a while.
“Let me stay here.”
Younghoon wanted to say no. He was going to say no. He waited for the words, opened his mouth for them to come out like planned. Nothing happened. Younghoon didn't say no, he didn't say anything. He just stared dumbly at Chanhee. Like he was witnessing some nebula forming right in front of him, like Chanhee wasn't physically able to be perceived and comprehended by a mere mortal like Younghoon.
“Fine.” A pause, a breath. “Okay.”
Not wanting to keep looking at Chanhee's wide dark eyes, Younghoon turned his face away. He'd turn his whole body if he could, but Chanhee clung onto him tight. He didn't fall back asleep, and he knew Chanhee was aware of that. Younghoon waited. Waited for Chanhee to say something, anything. And it felt like he was waiting a long time - longer than just tonight.
Chanhee's hand came up to his face, turned it so they were looking at each other again. Even now, Chanhee's touch was soft. Younghoon started to think he hated it. That's what the feeling inside of him had to be - hate, it could only be hate.
“You don't film your video diaries anymore.” Chanhee whispered.
“Haven't felt like it.”
“No pictures either. I haven't heard the clicking of your camera for a while.” Chanhee was speaking, but looked more focused on catching every detail in Younghoon's face.
“Same reason.”
Younghoon felt like he was being scrutinised. He watched the back and forth movement of Chanhee's eyes as he scanned Younghoon's face. Stopping at every miniscule scar, every mole and beauty mark. It was like Chanhee was mapping out every emotion and memorising it. Younghoon couldn't bring himself to do the same, instead looking at Chanhee with fear. It could only be fear that explained his increased heart rate.
Chanhee leaned in and pressed his lips to Younghoon's. It was a slow movement, Younghoon had seen it coming - he knew it was going to happen. He let himself push back, kiss back, as Chanhee's hands found his hair.
It was different from before. Different from how Younghoon had kissed Chanhee in his bedroom back home. It was Chanhee doing all the work this time; it was Chanhee pushing himself to sit gently on Younghoon's stomach for a better angle. He kissed Younghoon like he'd never done it before, like there was some kind of reward at the end depending on how hard he pushed. In August, Younghoon had kissed him tiredly, quietly. He'd kissed Chanhee in this space away from the world - a dreamlike state where only the two of them existed. But now Chanhee kissed Younghoon and the world was very much real around them. It wasn't quiet because Younghoon's head became so loud as it screamed at him.
“Chanie-” He was cut off briefly as Chanhee tried to land another kiss. “Hold on.”
Younghoon managed to hold Chanhee still for a moment, held his face in place with both hands.
“You're drunk. I'm not doing this.”
“I'm not.” Chanhee said, clear as day. “I'm not drunk, I haven't drank anything.”
“I'm not kissing you when you're drunk-”
“Did you taste any alcohol on me? When we kissed just now, did you?” Chanhee sat up straighter, looking down.
“...No.” Younghoon meekly admitted.
“Do you need me to drag Kevin in here as a witness? He'll tell you I haven't even held a cup tonight.”
“No!” Younghoon panicked at the thought of Kevin - of anyone actually - coming in and seeing the pair of them like this.
Younghoon didn't stop Chanhee from kissing him again. He didn't push away at his face to get another word out. This time Chanhee's hands went under Younghoon's shirt, his hands pushed the fabric up. Younghoon felt like he'd explode, he knew he'd explode. He was convinced it was still fear bubbling up in him.
“You're just-” Younghoon's spoke between kisses, then pulled himself away to actually get a sentence out. “You're only coming to me because you're upset. Sad over Hak.”
“I'm not. Don't bring him into this.” Chanhee kissed him again.
“You're only kissing me because you're pissed off at something - someone.” Younghoon said when Chanhee moved to kiss the side of his nose, his cheek, the base of his ear.
“I'll be pissed at you if you don't shut the f*ck up.”
“Chanhee-”
“Stop making excuses.” They made eye contact again. Chanhee's dark eyes sparkled. “Just let me kiss you.”
Younghoon's shirt was pulled off over his head. Chanhee laughed quietly at how it ruffled up Younghoon's hair. It was Younghoon who leaned up to close the gap, the one to kiss Chanhee this time. They didn't speak much for the rest of the night.
———
“Stop throwing sh*t at me.” Younghoon batted away the latest screwed up ball of paper launched his way.
“Eric, stop it. You're failing math here, you don't have time to piss about.” Sangyeon said.
It was cram season. Exams were in a couple months which meant the entire third year cohort started panicking the second November rolled around. Did they have time? Yeah, sure. But Younghoon knew if he didn't crack down on studying now, he'd never do it at all. Sangyeon was the best at studying, he was the best to go to for motivation. Which by default meant Eric was always the one begging for help in the common room.
“Hoonie's asking for it, really.” Eric said, after Sangyeon prevented another launch attack.
Younghoon would've kept himself alone in his room to study, if he was given the chance to but Chanhee was already in there. So he was left out to study communally, with all the distractions and irritations that came with it. Already he'd tried to grab Jacob's pencil from him and snap it because the sound of lead scratching away made his skin crawl. Couldn't Jacob just use a pen like the rest of them? Was it really that hard? Eric thought it was funny, too, to personally annoy Younghoon for the past hour and a half.
At least Kevin brought snacks. At least Younghoon could pop a chip into his mouth instead of shouting at Eric every five minutes.
“He's not doing anything.” Jacob replied.
He kept his head down, kept looking at the same lines of text in ‘Paradise Lost’. If he just didn't listen to Eric, then he couldn't be bothered by the noise. Younghoon highlighted the wrong passage, he swore under his breath.
“That's exactly the issue. He's doing nothing about Chanhee, and now he just mopes all day. It's annoying.”
Younghoon couldn't help the twitch in his hand when he heard Chanhee's name mentioned. The two of them still hadn't spoken. Younghoon was still at the receiving of silence even after the other night. Even after he'd kissed Chanhee. It was obvious then that whatever was between them wouldn't fix anything, obvious that kissing Chanhee wasn't going to make him look at Younghoon again. He'd never once, over the past few nights, thought that Chanhee would suddenly go back to normal just because he'd let Younghoon kiss him again. Hearing Chanhee's name now made Younghoon think of him, made Younghoon think of everything he didn't want to.
“He's not annoying anyone, Eric.” Sangyeon tried to defend him.
“It's concerning though,” Kevin destroyed that defence in seconds. “Eric's got a point.”
“Nothing about it is concerning. I'm not doing anything you should be concerned about.” Younghoon said.
“It's concerning that the two of you don't talk anymore.”
They spoke enough. Younghoon had heard Chanhee's voice enough in the darkness of those nights. He'd said enough himself before being silenced by another of Chanhee's kisses.
But it wasn't really speaking. They didn't have conversations, they didn't make jokes. Chanhee never returned the gesture of saying good night whenever he crawled back to his own bed despite Younghoon saying it without any hesitation. Quiet words didn't mean speaking. And his friends didn't know of these words - they wouldn't know, he'd never let them - so of course it looked like Chanhee and Younghoon never spoke to each other anymore.
Younghoon wished it was a complete denial of his existence. He wished Chanhee wouldn't say those things to him when no one was around. He wished Chanhee wouldn't ask to kiss him every night. Though mostly, Younghoon wished he would say no to Chanhee for once.
“I don't want to talk about this.” Younghoon closed his book, placing it on the table.
“Yeah, like how you don't want to talk to Chanhee?” Eric retorted.
Eric earned a light smack to the back of his head. While he winced in - overly dramatic - pain, Sangyeon passed apologetic comments on his behalf.
“I just don't see how you're going to fix anything by not talking to him.”
“I don't need to fix anything. There's nothing to fix.” Younghoon replied.
Even Jacob looked up, then, with a concerned expression. He'd tried to stay out of Eric and Younghoon's bickering as best as he could, but Younghoon's blatant denial was enough for him to give up on his homework.
“Younghoon.” Jacob said. “You're kidding, right? You do need to fix it, whatever it is.”
“Don't start going at me, too-”
“Whatever you've done, you need to fix it.” Eric interrupted.
“Me? Me! Who's to say this isn't Chanhee's fault?”
Was it Chanhee's fault? Was it either of their faults? It had been Chanhee who'd started this whole game of ignoring him, it was Chanhee who pushed Younghoon away at any chance he got. But then it had been Younghoon to kiss him first. It was Younghoon who started this whole mess in the first place - but it was Chanhee who continued it.
Younghoon didn't think he could blame Chanhee at all. He couldn't sit there and tell his friends that Chanhee had been the one to f*ck it all up. He wouldn't commit blasphemy against a name he'd taken such joy in saying.
Younghoon picked at the seams of his school uniform pants. He clawed away at the fabric absentmindedly under the table. When he was younger, his mother would always scold him for putting holes in all his clothes. It's not that he meant to rip them, it's just that the repetitive movement - the solid pressure of putting weight onto himself - calmed him in a way. A distraction from everything Eric was saying. From Jacob and Kevin's concerned looks.
“Look,” Sangyeon broke off another of Eric's demanding questions. “Why don't we all just focus on our work, and leave this… Issue.”
“Fine.” Eric crossed his arms over his chest.
“Great idea. I like that one much more.” Younghoon spoke sarcastically.
And for the most part, the four of them returned to their studies. The only words spoken were questions about the works, simple requests to pass over a pen or book.
Younghoon, though, was the first to leave the table. Deciding on a late afternoon meal that would be more beneficial than Kevin's chocolate bars. He knew the second he walked out the common room his friends would pick back up the conversation. Knew they'd question his actions for the next hour while he pretended to be oblivious.
Did they do this to Chanhee too? Or was Younghoon just the eternal target?
He ate alone in the dining hall. Ate with a group of first years a few tables away. It was easy to forget how young they were, how young Younghoon had been when he'd started. How young he still was now. Eighteen wasn't old enough to be having all these issues. He'd only just turned eighteen, only just realised that he needed to go out into the real world after all of this. It didn't feel like a good idea to f*ck up his last months of school. But he'd ended up doing it anyway, whether he'd intended to or not.
His bowl of jjapaguri made him feel ill by the end of it. Swirling around leftover noodles made his head spin around just the same.
Yeah, Younghoon needed to fix this thing with Chanhee - whatever it was.
———
Before Younghoon knew it, before he could react, he was pulled into one of the dorm rooms. Not his - Kevin's. Kevin's grip on his school sweater, Kevin's pictures tacked up all over the walls.
“What the f*ck?” Younghoon said after being pushed down to sit in Kevin's desk chair.
“You and Chanhee.” Jeez, not this again. “You're going to tell me everything, so you can fix it.”
Younghoon didn't make eye contact. He looked around the room like it was the first time he'd ever stepped foot in it - it wasn't. Changmin's books were piled high on the bottom end of his bed, next to where Kevin was sitting down. Those two never had a normal sense of personal space, always sharing everything with each other. Kevin crossed his arms, looking at Chanhee like some sort of disappointed parent.
“There's nothing to tell.”
“Nope, nuh uh.” Kevin said. “You can't pull that sh*t. I know somethings been going on.”
He knew? How much did he know? For all Younghoon knew, Chanhee could've told Kevin everything about what they'd done - what they were still doing. Younghoon wanted to disappear, to melt into the floor and leave only his skin as a reminder that he'd once lived.
“Where's Changmin?” Younghoon tried to push the conversation over to Kevin's missing roommate.
“You know exactly where he is.” Yeah, okay that was true. Changmin was in the library with Chanhee. Younghoon had known that all day.
“Look, Kev, I know you want the best for us and all, but I'm fine. Chanhee is fine. We're just not friends anymore, that's all.”
“You don't just stop being friends with someone, Hoon.”
“Well I do. And I have. It's over.” Younghoon made a move to leave, Kevin just pushed him back into the chair.
Younghoon wanted to leave. Maybe he wanted to leave the school as a whole, run away from the scrutiny of his friends. It felt like they were all on Chanhee's side - if there even were sides in this - and that he'd been turned into public enemy number one. Kevin's cold stare kept him from trying to get up again.
“Younghoon, please. Tell me what's going on. I'm worried about you - about both of you.”
He thought about it for a while. Thought about telling Kevin. Would it make things easier? Getting it all off his chest, getting an outside opinion on which one of them had f*cked up their friendship the most. Maybe he'd feel better by talking about it, by laying it all out and being vulnerable with someone for once.
“Have you asked Chanhee?”
“Yeah. He won't say anything.” Kevin said. “No offence but you're easier to crack than he is.”
Younghoon couldn't help but laugh at Kevin's comment. Couldn't help but imagine how he'd gone about this with Chanhee - had he cornered him too? Had Kevin sat down Chanhee like he was an insolent child too?
“I'm being deadly serious about this though. Your issues with Chanhee are affecting us too, y’know. With Haknyeon gone everyone's been feeling sh*t, and your guys stunt isn't helping anyone feel better-”
“I kissed him.” Younghoon interrupted.
Kevin's ranting was cut off immediately. His gesturing hands dropped to his knees like dead weights, his eyes went wide in a look Younghoon could only compare to shock or horror. It took a lot to make Kevin speechless. Younghoon had never achieved it before, he'd never aimed for it.
“The last night of summer break, I kissed him. He stopped talking to me after. The whole train ride he wouldn't look at me, he wouldn't relax around me in case we accidentally touched.” Younghoon couldn't stop talking. It all just came out sporadically, he couldn't stop it.
“You kissed him?” Kevin almost whispered.
It only occurred to Younghoon now that saying he'd kissed Chanhee brought up an entirely different issue, one that didn't concern Chanhee's act of ignoring him. Boys didn't kiss other boys - boys didn't go around telling their friends that they'd kissed a boy. Kevin was western, Canadian, and ultimately had some of the more progressive views that Younghoon had ever heard. But Younghoon didn't know what Kevin would think of this. Didn't know if it'd be some grand breaking point in their friendship, if Kevin couldn't be friends with Younghoon who went around kissing other boys. His skin started to crawl at the thought of it. Younghoon wanted to go back in time, desperately wanting to take back his words.
“Why would you kiss him?”
“I don't- I don't know.”
“Do you know how confused he must be? You've probably thrown him through one hell of a loop. I mean, you don't just go around kissing guys because they're gay. It's a dick move, Hoon.”
“What?”
It was Younghoon who's eyes went wide this time. He felt himself go cold, felt his limbs become heavy and aware of every sound and movement in the room.
“Don't “what” me, you knew that.”
When Younghoon didn't reply Kevin finally caught on. When Younghoon just sat there dumbfounded with his eyebrows knitting together in confusion, Kevin finally realised.
“You… You didn't know.”
“I didn't know.” It came out as a whisper. “I kissed him and- And I didn't know. Oh my god. He must- he must think-”
Younghoon didn't know what Chanhee must've thought. He couldn't think of anything. Chanhee was gay? Chanhee… liked boys. Chanhee only liked boys, he only wanted to kiss boys. And Younghoon had overstepped. He'd walked into Chanhee's room that night and crossed an invisible line. He'd been the one to ruin it all, without even knowing it.
“It's not your fault. It's okay that you didn't know, he didn't tell you - he didn't tell me for a while - it's not your fault that you-”
“He kissed me back.” Younghoon said, not really replying to Kevin. “He's been- We've been- He keeps kissing me.”
“Chanhee? Are we talking about the same ‘Chanhee’? Because last I knew, you two don't even look at each other.” Kevin rambled on.
Chanhee must hate him. Younghoon thought he hated Chanhee, thought he hated every feeling he got from Chanhee's kisses. He was so convinced that it was him who'd hated himself, but Chanhee must've hated him too.
“Have you? I mean, stop me right here if you want to, but have you done anything else… More?” Kevin skirted around saying it, and Younghoon felt his cheeks turn a violent shade of red.
“Yeah.” He stared down at the wooden floorboard. He wouldn't say anything more on the matter.
And Kevin just sat there for a while. Thinking, maybe. Younghoon really couldn't tell - nor did he want to look over at Kevin at all. Did Kevin hate him too now? It was a thought that circled in Younghoon's head until his friend finally spoke up.
“Are you gay?”
Younghoon didn't know what to say. Not because he felt as if Kevin would walk out the second Younghoon said ‘yes’, but because he really didn't know. It wasn't something he thought about. Which, in hindsight, sounded really dumb seeing as Younghoon had been kissing another boy - doing more than that - every night for almost a month. Younghoon couldn't even begin to think about what being gay meant for him, for what it meant today or what it meant tomorrow or the next ten years.
“If you don't know, then Chanhee doesn't know.” Kevin spoke when Younghoon remained silent in panicked thought. “And maybe he's been silent on you because he doesn't know. He doesn't know what to do, how to act with you.”
“He doesn't know…” Younghoon trailed off, unsure if he was asking a question or not.
“Younghoon, if you don't know then he definitely doesn't know.”
Younghoon stood up. It was automatic, it was a reaction to Chanhee not knowing. The possibility that Chanhee didn't hate him, he just didn't know what to do. Didn't know how to handle being kissed by someone who wasn't meant to be gay. Someone who didn't even know his own feelings, let alone Chanhee's.
But Chanhee had kissed back. He'd always kissed back. And Younghoon knew that was what confused him the most.
When Younghoon went to open the dorm door to leave, Kevin caught hold of his arm lightly.
“Before you go.” Kevin sounded serious. “It's okay if you are gay - and it's fine if you don't know, you don't need to have it all figured out. You're not alone with it, because I'm gay too. You won't be alone with it.”
It was the first time Younghoon had ever hugged someone that tight before - that genuine and wholesome - probably the first time in his entire life.
———
It was Christmas day, and Younghoon was still at Huimang.
His parents were out of the country - off on some branded trip with clients - and his older brother had his own family to spend the holiday with. Younghoon really didn't mind, he really didn't care that he was the only third year roaming the school halls. He'd never celebrated Christmas that much, he didn't hold onto the religious meaning of it all. To Younghoon, Christmas has always been a normal day. Besides, if he really got bored then there were about five of the younger years he could scout out and talk to. But that was only if he got desperate.
Either way, being at Huimang meant Younghoon had time to think. Undisputed time to himself where no one could bother him, nothing could happen and throw him off.
He was sitting out on the steps up to the main school building. It was cold out, too cold for Younghoon to not be wearing a sweater or jacket, but not cold enough for snow just yet. It would be another few weeks until it snowed. There weren't any white flowers anymore. The trees all look dead without their leaves. In a way, Younghoon was glad they'd all died out. Glad there were no more haunting baby's breaths under foot at every step. In his dorm, on the desk, there was still a cluster of dried out white flowers in the jar. Chanhee hadn't thrown them out, Younghoon hadn't replaced them.
He threw a handful of stones - kicked up from the gravel path - out across the field.
Younghoon took his phone out from his pocket, listened to the familiar sound it made when it flipped open. His index finger came up to wind itself in the string loop connected to the bottom of it.
“Hey, uhm,” Younghoon spoke into his phone after keying in the familiar numbers. “It's Younghoon. But uh- You…You already knew that I guess. Merry Christmas, by the way.”
The call had gone straight to voicemail. He'd expected it, of course, because no one was likely to pick up on Christmas. Especially not Chanhee.
“I don't know why I'm calling. I wish I knew - wish I could tell you. Chanhee, I miss you. A lot. I miss you so much. And it feels so stupid to say that, because you're there every night. I don't remember the last night where I went to sleep and you weren't right there next to me.”
He dropped the phone for a moment, leaving it abandoned on the steps. The heels of his palms dug into his eyes, he pressed them into his face to suppress… something. He didn't know what, but he knew he couldn't say too much.
“You don't speak to me anymore. I hear your voice every night, but I don't remember what you sound like. I miss talking to you, joking with you, saying anything other than asking you to kiss me again.”
A sharp inhale of air. Another press of his hand into his cheek, wiping away nothing really.
“I didn't know you were- That you liked boys. I didn't know that when I kissed you that first time - and I don't hold it against you. I don't wish I hadn't done it because you're… I just wish I would've known. About me, too, I wish I could just tell you that I'm the same. That I like boys too. But I don't know. I really don't know.”
Younghoon stood up now. He paced the steps, toed the cracks in the concrete. Mindlessly, he paused to listen to the birds. They'd always sounded sad in the winter.
“I think I'm in love with you, Chanhee.” Younghoon took in another sharp breath. “I don't know what it means, I don't know what kind of love it is. Chanhee, I really don't know anything. I'm dumb, I'm stupid, but I miss you. I'm not just saying I love you because I want you to start talking to me again - f*ck, it probably makes you hate me more - but I just wanted. No, needed. Needed you to know.”
Younghoon could feel his throat closing over. Felt tears brimming in his eyes and threatening him. End the call. End the f*cking call.
“Don't call me back, if you don't want to. Or do. I uh- It doesn't matter. I'm getting used to the silence anyway.” Younghoon ended the call by snapping his phone closed.
———
“I got your call.” Chanhee said.
He'd come to slouch into the leather chair next to where Younghoon leaned up against the wall, bottle of beer in his hand. Younghoon could only say ‘cool’ because he was far from sober - without alcohol, he'd either not reply at all or splurge out even more incriminating words. Maybe Chanhee was only talking to him now because they'd both been drinking tonight. Because Chanhee knew neither of them were in the right place to talk.
It was New Years eve - well, by now the clock had already struck midnight - which meant the annual party. It felt like the third years threw parties every month or so, like they were coming up with excuses to drink more often. Younghoon didn't feel any different yet. 2007 wasn't feeling any more sh*tty, or better, than 2006.
“Kevin said you stayed here for Christmas.”
“Yeah.” Younghoon replied.
“Could've asked to stay with me again.” What? What the f*ck was Chanhee getting at?
Younghoon left his bottle on a side table. Ignored the rest of the boys in the room in favour of focusing on Chanhee. Chanhee who looked completely unfazed, checking his cuticles casually.
Yeah, maybe Younghoon really did hate Chanhee a bit.
“You don't f*cking talk to me. Sure, let me just walk over and ask to go to your sister in law's baby shower too. Because that's such a good idea, Chanhee.”
“Don't get pissy with me-”
“Pissy? f*ck, Chanhee. You ignore me for months and still expect me to be all nice and happy to you?”
Since returning from winter break, Chanhee and Younghoon hadn't slept together. Hadn't looked at each other - though this wasn't common in the first place - and stuck to their sides of the dorm. Not a foot out of place, not the hint of a suggestion. Nothing.
“I'm talking to you now.” Chanhee said.
“Hey, is everything alright with you two?” Hyunjae appeared from - somewhere? The last Younghoon knew of Hyunjae, he was trying to give out New Years kisses to everyone.
“We're fine, Jae.” Younghoon said, coldly.
“No, uhm- We’re sorting it out.” Chanhee said, then standing up he took hold of Younghoon's sleeve. “I need to talk to you. Outside.”
The dorm hallway was no quieter. And honestly Younghoon had come to hate the sight of it. Chanhee's hands were firm in their grip on his sleeves, there was no way Younghoon could simply walk away. He tried to look away from the other teenager, but failed when Chanhee put his hand on Younghoon's face, forcing them to look at each other.
“You said you were in love with me.” Younghoon really wished he could look away now.
“Yeah? I'd take it back now, though-”
“Don't.” Chanhee had those sad eyes again. Even now, Younghoon hated the sight of it. “Don't take it back.”
Chanhee was wearing the same bracelets Younghoon had picked out that first weekend in first semester. He was wearing the same Persian blue knitted sweater. Had he planned this? What? Just walk around like the ghost of a memory to piss Younghoon off even more. His hair wasn't styled that same way though, it was grown out to an awkward length instead of perfectly styled into soft curls.
“I've been sh*tty to you.” Chanhee said.
“I'm well aware-”
“But I didn't mean to.” Chanhee cut Younghoon off. “Well, no I meant to ignore you. But it was an issue with me - with how I deal with things - not my feelings for you.”
“Are you pulling the ‘it's not you, it's me’ card at me right now? Because last I checked, you'd have to date me first to say that.”
Chanhee dropped his head forward, pressed his forehead into Younghoon's shoulder. Younghoon was kind of glad his arms were being held in place, otherwise he would've instinctively wrapped himself around Chanhee. But that was a sign of weakness, of vulnerability in front of the enemy. When did Chanhee become the enemy?
“I wanted to date you.” Chanhee said, Younghoon stopped breathing. “I really wanted to. I like you, Younghoon, the way you like me - and I don't understand it either.”
“Wanted?”
“I can't date you. What would people think? I've- You know who my father is. I can't just- People would talk, Younghoon.”
Younghoon thought constantly about what people would think. Ever since Kevin asked if he was gay, Younghoon had spent most of his waking hours thinking about the consequences of saying yes. He'd imagined every possible reaction from his family. Every possible comment from his friends, both the positives and negatives. f*ck, at one point he'd even drawn out a whole pros and cons list. But Chanhee had more to lose. At the end of the day, Chanhee was in a higher social position. Younghoon could blend into the middle class so easily, he could so easily be out of the limelight or find his way into it - it was all his choice. But Chanhee couldn't. Chanhee had tabloids written on him from when he was only fourteen. Chanhee wasn't just some rich kid in a private school, he was the son of one of the highest politicians in the country.
“I know you don't care about what people think - I know Kevin's told you about himself, I know you think there's this safe space for you out there. But there isn't one for me. I have to care about what people think.”
“I know.” Younghoon said after a moment. “I know there's more pressure on you. It's okay.”
Younghoon didn't think he knew what ‘okay’ even meant anymore. He couldn't begin to imagine what being okay looked like, what it felt like.
Chanhee pulled his head back from Younghoon's shoulder. Brought his hands up from Younghoon's arms to his face. He leaned in, placed a gentle chaste kiss on Younghoon's lips. He hadn't planned it, but Chanhee pulled away just in time.
Sunwoo came walking down the hall, head down focusing on his phone. Younghoon heard the sound of numbers being clicked in before he saw his friend. It didn't look like Sunwoo had noticed them at first - or at least, Younghoon hoped that was the case.
“Oh, hey.” Sunwoo said, seeing the two of them. “I'm just about to call Hak, wanna join?”
“Uhm- Uh, yeah. Yeah, I will.” Younghoon said.
Chanhee finally let go of Younghoon - he hadn't been obviously holding onto Younghoon's arm anymore, but Younghoon still felt it clear as day - and made a comment about calling later, in the morning. He made an excuse to leave Sunwoo alone with Younghoon.
It was a welcomed distraction to hear Haknyeon's voice down the phone. It was nice to hear that he'd missed Younghoon, just as much as he'd missed the other boys.
———
Chanhee wasn't alone in the chapel. It wasn't some God thing - he'd never believed in a physical spirit or body being around him whenever he came to the small church. He wasn't alone because Changmin was there, sat in one of the back pews pretending like he hadn't been noticed.
Of course Chanhee knew he was there. In a place so quiet his hearing was pretty much doubled, he could easily hear whenever someone opened the doors and came in. Besides, Changmin had been doing this for a few weeks now. He'd just sit there. Chanhee knew what his friend was doing, knew that Changmin was just checking up on him without directly asking.
Chanhee usually let Changmin sit there for an hour, before he usually got up and left. But this time was different. He grabbed his school bag from the floor and made his way over to his friend. The pews at the back of the chapel were more worn in, they'd been used more. They didn't hold the same uncomfortable wooden feeling to them.
“Have you ever seen ‘Bless The Child'?” Changmin asked once Chanhee sat down next to him. “This place reminds me of it. Really mega creepy, Chanie.”
“I don't watch horror movies.”
“I wouldn't either if I spent so much time here.” Changmin joked. Neither of them mentioned how Changmin spent just as much of his days in the chapel as Chanhee did.
‘Creepy’ couldn't be further from how Chanhee would describe the chapel. He liked it so much, in the first few weeks of school he'd thought it was the only place that liked him back. In those earlier days he'd wished to stay in the chapel all day, every day, instead of going to lessons or his dorm room. It wasn't just a place where he felt closer to his beliefs, but it calmed him. Made everything feel okay in the usual chaos of his life.
Once, only once, he'd compared the silence of his dorm room to the peace he'd found in the chapel. Younghoon had kissed him after, though, and he'd lost his train of thought.
He'd grown up in churches. His first memory was of his mother dressing him in his Sunday best, his older brother untying his tie after she'd spent so much time getting it right. During his school days in France he'd found refuge in the abbey down the street from his dorm block. The other kids wouldn't follow him, whether their own respect for God stopped them or they just feared the nuns who lived there. To Chanhee, it felt like if he ever needed to run somewhere there would always be a church ready to take him in.
He had to admit that the abbey in France was more to look at. It was this old gothic building, and protestant despite the country's history. It felt entirely out of place, the nuns themselves were all foreign women from Britain or Germany - one, for only a brief time before she left, had been Estonian. And it was so different to here, in the Catholic chapel, where barely any of the stonework could be dated back centuries. In a way, it didn't matter to Chanhee. He saw the beauty in both. And both served a well enough function for him.
“Do you think God would hate me?” Chanhee asked, after more than a moment of silence between them.
“No.” Changmin didn't hesitate to answer. “Why would he?”
“Because of how I've treated Younghoon.”
Chanhee, quite honestly, was a bad Christian. He wouldn't even use the word to describe himself, or if he did then he wouldn't confine himself to a denomination. He didn't sit there and wonder if he'd go to hell - his parents thought he would, when they found out, but he'd come to terms with it well before then - he didn't purposely do things because he thought it'd get him in the good books rather than doing it out of his own volition. Yeah, he read the bible and he knew all the scriptures, but that's not what Chanhee really cared about.
“I don't think I'm the one to answer that.” Changmin replied.
Chanhee knew Changmin had been raised the same way. Knew Changmin was familiar with the processions of going to church with his family every Sunday morning. But he'd never asked Changmin about his own views on it all. They'd never spoken about the chapel, or God, or if Changmin had his own bible buried in a draw somewhere.
Chanhee knew Younghoon didn't believe in any of it. He knew there was this absence that Younghoon was so completely fine with. But looking at how his friends went about with religion, Chanhee didn't think he could ever abandon it. That just wasn't who he was. But there was this struggle, he'd found, of some juxtaposing clash of his views and Younghoon's. Chanhee, in a way, just couldn't understand how he could have both a belief in God and a love for Younghoon at the same time.
It was never because Younghoon was a boy. Chanhee never thought he'd be hated by God for loving a boy like that. Moreover, it was just that the two entities were so different from each other.
“Is this about Younghoon again?” Changmin asked, but he didn't sound annoyed by it.
“Isn't it always about Younghoon?” Chanhee replied. “I think even before, with my parents and my brother, it was Younghoon. Like I've always been building up to meeting him, to having some kind of relationship with him.”
“Some kind of fateful meeting?”
“No.” Chanhee thought for a moment before replying. “More so that I expected for everything to go wrong. Expected that there would be someone eventually, but that I'd f*ck it up.”
Chanhee rested his head on Chanhee's shoulder. He pulled his legs up to curl underneath him, hugging his knees close. It wasn't cold in the chapel, it had never been cold, but Chanhee felt himself shake with what could only be cold shivers.
“I shouldn't have ignored him like that, but I didn't know how else to deal with- With what I've been feeling. And y’know, it's funny, kind of, because I told him my mother wouldn't like us sleeping in the same room. But really, it's too late for that. She hates knowing that I don't like girls, that I'll never like girls, so I keep trying to make it up to her. But what's it ever going to do for me? I'm not going to grow out of it.”
Chanhee was fifteen when his mother caught him with another boy. It was the Christmas break, he was home for the first time in months and suddenly he'd been pushed out - pushed so far from everything he loved - just because he hadn't been careful. Chanhee hadn't ever heard her scream at him like that before. He was sixteen when the other kids in France found out that Chanhee really was gay, that it wasn't just an insult they could throw at him.
Coming to Huimang, Chanhee had promised himself no more mistakes. No more f*ck ups that got him kicked out, or had his parents losing sleep. But then Younghoon had been sitting on that bed, with his suitcases open around him. And Chanhee couldn't bring himself to consider Younghoon a mistake.
“Chanie.” Changmin placed a comforting hand on his knee. “Stop living for your parents. You're their son, not their object to control. But don't take that anger out on Younghoon.”
———
By mid February, Younghoon's last exam had rolled around. More like ran him over like a freight train, but nevertheless he sat there in his literature classroom.
It wasn't going well. His head was in his hands, his pen forgotten on the table for the past fifteen minutes. For f*cks sake, who even cared this much about Yeats anyway? Younghoon didn't know why he was here, why he'd spent the past three years building up to this moment. Everyone knew he didn't need to pass these exams. Younghoon knew he didn't need a grade at the end of the year because one day he'd be placed in charge of his father's banking agency. He'd be given this position automatically, with no thought put into it. Huimang was really just for show, all the universities he'd applied to and been accepted to were just for bragging rights when he's middle aged and balding.
Younghoon tried not to look around the classroom. Tried not to catch the eyes of one of his friends, probably causing one of them to laugh and be sent out. f*ck, he avoided Chanhee the most. If he looked at Chanhee - if he even thought about Chanhee - then it was over for him. He might as well just throw his exam on the floor and walk out.
There was that aching feeling in his chest, a nauseous feeling in his stomach, at the knowledge of everything being over within the next hour. Once he finished this exam, Huimang was over. Younghoon had tried preparing for this feeling all year, tried accepting the fact he had to say goodbye to everyone, but nevertheless it caught him off guard.
It felt wrong, mostly, to know that it all came down to today. That all of it just ended today, just before midday on some random Friday in February.
And it felt worse knowing he'd ruined it all with Chanhee.
———
Kevin brought Younghoon into a tight hug, swaying the two of them more when Eric came over and joined in.
“I'm gonna miss you guys so much.” Kevin said.
“Send me those Canadian snacks you like. Seriously, I'll sue if you don't.” Eric joked.
Graduation day was bittersweet. Younghoon knew it would be, he couldn't imagine it being any other way. He'd already been pulled into various hugs by his friends, pulled into conversations with his teachers about his plans for next year. His math teacher hadn't exactly been happy when Younghoon announced he'd be taking a gap year.
“Is Jacob going to Vancouver with you again?” Younghoon asked.
“Ottawa. We're going somewhere different this year.”
Younghoon's tie had been pulled loose around his neck. He'd hated the burgundy colour of it so much, he'd spent so many days wishing for any other colour. But now, looking at it and at his diploma with the same deep red colour, he kind of already missed it. Younghoon would've sworn burgundy was his least favourite but now he didn't want to let go of it. It meant too much to him, symbolised so much that couldn't be put into words.
Actually his hands shook as he held the diploma. Was this real? He didn't think it was meant to be - like some sort of dream he'd wake up from, and it'd be June again.
“Hey, Hoonie, do you still have your camera?” Changmin came over and asked.
“Yeah. Up in my dorm.” Younghoon replied. “I'll go get it.”
Younghoon felt his knees wobble as he walked up the stairs to the third floor dorms. He knew it wasn't the last time as moving out day was tomorrow. But it felt like the last time, and really it should've been. Pushing open his door, Younghoon almost tripped on a stray bag on the floor.
“Careful.” A voice said.
Chanhee. Chanhee was there; sitting on his bed, his diploma on the desk. Those dead baby's breath flowers had been replaced, the jar full with clean water and bright white petals again.
“Did- Did Changmin send me up here because you're here?”
“Oh, uh- No? I don't think so. I didn't ask him to, at least.”
Younghoon dug through the draws in his closet to find his camera. He pocketed it in his blazer and turned back around to Chanhee.
“Are you…” Younghoon didn't know what to ask, or how to even speak. “Any university plans?”
“Yonsei.” Ah, well, Younghoon should've expected that.
It was awkward to say the least. Awkward to be standing so vulnerable in front of Chanhee. The younger teenager looked far from relaxed, far from casually sitting on the bed. Not only was he on the edge of the sheets, but his entire aura felt like it was on edge. Younghoon could practically hear the unspoken words between them.
“I heard from Juyeon that you're taking a gap year.” Chanhee leaned back on his elbows.
“Yeah.”
“I am too.”
What? Younghoon must've muttered outloud because Chanhee gave him this amused look, a quiet laugh escaping his lips. It was almost a proud look, like he'd been aiming to catch Younghoon so off guard.
“I'm running away, Younghoon.” That only created mode questions. “Well, not literally. My parents will know where I am. But I'm running away from my problems.”
Did that include Younghoon? Was he one of Chanhee's problems? This was the warning, this was Chanhee telling Younghoon not to expect to see him ever again.
Chanhee stood up, stepped close to Younghoon. Incredibly close, closer than what was normal for two people that couldn't even be called friends anymore. Younghoon could feel Chanhee's hair brush against his face lightly. Felt as Chanhee wrapped his arms around Younghoon.
And of course Younghoon copied the action. He couldn't think of anything else to do other than circling his arms around Chanhee. Close. Closer.
“You can say no to this.” He wouldn't, Younghoon didn't know how to say ‘no’ anymore. “But I'd like to go with you. Wherever you're going.”
“Yeah, I'd- I'd like that too.” Younghoon was meek and quiet as he spoke.
“And I want to try. With us. I want to try to be better.”
“I want that.”
Younghoon brought his hands up to Chanhee's face. He didn't kiss Chanhee. He didn't suggest the idea of it. Their faces stayed a distance away. But touching Chanhee, being this close to him, was enough. He looked into Chanhee's eyes. Still sad eyes, still flooded with something only described as mourning, but somehow hopeful. It didn't feel like the last time. Younghoon didn't feel the need to kiss Chanhee now, because he knew he'd get to do it later and under better circ*mstances than ever before.
And Chanhee looked beautiful. Younghoon felt like he could say it now - he spoke it openly into Chanhee's hair, into their embrace.
“We're taking photos out the front, if you want to join.” Younghoon offered.
“I'd like that.”
Their hands were interlaced when they walked down the stairs together. It was brief, but nice. Neither felt confident enough to continue the touch when they came into view of the other boys, but neither felt as if it was some sort of shameful thing to be hidden. There was a place for it, they just had to find it.
Younghoon handed his camera to one of his teachers, asked her kindly to capture the group of them on the front steps. Haknyeon was there, too, in the middle of them all. He wasn't graduating, not like the rest of them, and he didn't wear the same white shirt burgundy tie uniform. But he'd come up from Jeju to celebrate with them all, to see his friends all together one last time.
Chanhee smiled wide. When the camera clicked, he grabbed Younghoon's hand behind Changmin's back - hiding it from the camera, but so he'd always remember it was there. Younghoon's heart raced at the feeling of Chanhee's soft, gentle hand clutched tightly around his.
Younghoon kept the picture in his wallet for almost ten years. When it faded and ripped from age, he'd dug through boxes and boxes to find his camera, to print off the picture again and frame it. He'd placed it on the bedside table in his room, next to the white flowers Chanhee kept a constant supply of, so that he'd see it every morning. Some mornings, though, he'd end up seeing Chanhee first.
